


The Punching Problem

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe- non magic, F/M, Genital Injury, Humour, M/M, Receptionist Sirius, Therapist Remus, Therapy Session, Toddler Harry, child therapy, modern marauders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 14:39:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6055285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus' new clients have a very interesting problem--James Potter's three year old son seems to have an uncontrollable urge to punch him.  In a very delicate place.  Will Remus be able to sort it out, and why does his too cute receptionist think it's so funny?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Punching Problem

**Author's Note:**

> Based off a story my best mate told me over skype the other day. And I am trash so it became wolfstar.
> 
> Also please note that I am not a therapist--and I know that Remus is horribly unprofessional, and I'm not even remotely trying to be accurate in the portrayal of a therapy practise. This is a humour fic.

Remus tapped his biro on the notepad and looked at the set of parents who were fidgeting in their seats. They’d been referred by his receptionist—the fact that Remus didn’t know them was the only thing that stood in the way of conflict of interest. They seemed nice indeed, both calm and relaxed, but there was a furrow to their brow, an apprehension when they looked over at their three year old son who was currently playing with a giant dinosaur stuffie.

“Alright, so today we’re going to get some background information on Harry here, and come up with a goal plan, along with a short chat I’ll have with him alone.”

“Can I ask a question, Dr Lupin?” Mr Potter said.

“Of course, Mr Potter.”

“Oh James, please. I mean we’re in a sodding therapist’s office for my three year old, so I think we can skip the formalities?”

His wife smacked his arm, but Remus merely laughed. “That’s just fine. And feel free to call me Remus. Or as all the kids do, Dr Moony.”

James licked his lips, then glanced at his son again. “How erm…how does it work?”

Remus quirked a brow. “How does it work?”

“I mean, he’s three. He doesn’t say much more apart from asking for food, his Disney DVDs, and his Star Wars lego. How d’you figure out…all the other stuff?”

Remus smiled, then glanced over at Harry who had the T-Rex currently mashing a small block tower. The boy was cute enough, quiet and sweet-seeming. He was the spit of his father, dark skin, full mouth, and absolutely wild hair which stuck up in the back. The boy looked up at James, a smile crossing his face like he absolutely worshipped the man, and Remus was a bit curious.

He had some idea about the problem. Sirius, the receptionist, had given Remus some vague details. Sirius was the boy’s godfather, and he said Harry was a great kid apart from one issue. Which was for the Potters to tell Remus about. Which was why they were at this meeting.

“Well, obviously I’m not going to get a lot out of him with just chatting. I use a combination of art and play therapy for kids his age. It helps tap into their subconscious, and I have ways of reading into their play.”

“So what might that mean now?” James asked as T-Rex was kicking a block across the room.

Remus chuckled. “That T-Rex is a giant monster who likes to crush buildings. Right now he’s just playing. We won’t read into every action.” He met Lily’s eyes first, then James, and tried to give them his most friendly smile. “No one is on trial here. I know you probably think whatever the problem is comes from something you’ve done wrong. But it likely isn’t.”

“I just…” James ran his hand down his face and leant forward. Glancing at his wife, he turned back to Remus and spoke very quietly. “He keeps punching me in the dick.”

Remus almost choked. For all the things he’d heard in his professional career, that was by far the closest he’d ever come to breaking during a session. He cleared his throat very carefully. “I’m sorry, can you repeat that.”

James looked miserable, glancing at his son, then at Lily who actually looked like she was trying to hold back a laugh before he repeated himself, louder but still quiet enough to keep it from the boy. “He keeps punching me. In the dick.”

Remus counted to twenty five before he felt comfortable enough to speak out loud without cracking. He bit the inside of his cheek so hard he tasted blood, and he drew a couple of sharp lines on the notebook to give his hand something to do. “I see.”

Lily made a choked noise, then rose. “I need the toilet.”

“Lily!” James cried. She left the room in a rush, and before the door shut Remus heard her howling in the corridor. “She’s horrible about this. It isn’t funny!”

“I expect not,” Remus said, and thought he deserved a fucking Oscar for the fact that his lip didn’t even twitch. “So that’s why you’ve brought him in?”

“Look, I know kids do stupid sh—stuff. To get a laugh. I know three year olds can be holy terrors and some of them spit and bite and…and everything. And honestly I’d take him having a wee all over my stuff like the bloody dog does when he’s annoyed but this…” James scrubbed his face again.

“Is there anything specifically that provokes it?” Remus asked. He made a few actual notes on the paper. “Time of day, is he tired or hungry? A specific toy or mood?”

“No,” James said, and glanced at Harry who’d moved to the corner of the room. “It’s just…anything. Anything he just turns and…” James mimicked a closed fist right to his groin, and it was by some miracle Remus didn’t react.

“Ah well.” Remus made a few other notations, but he couldn’t bring himself to write, _Child punches father straight in the cock for no apparent reason_. “And no other behaviour problems?”

“Nothing abnormal, you know? This was Lily’s idea, this therapy thing. Well hers and Padfoot. Er I mean, Sirius.”

Remus blinked, then actually did grin at the thought of his receptionist—who actually oddly fit that nickname for all he was ridiculously adorable, not that Remus would admit that ever—having a nickname at all. “Alright well. Let’s just go over the questionnaire and then I’ll have a chat with Harry. How does that sound?”

“Yeah okay. You want me to wait for Lily?”

Remus looked at the door and had a feeling Harry’s mum wouldn’t be back any time soon. “I think we’ll be okay to begin.”

*** 

One hour later, and Remus was sat back with the Potters, Harry back to the T-Rex and blocks, and James looking apprehensive. Lily was biting her nails, clearly to cover a grin, and Remus wished he could be slightly less professional to do the same.

Honestly, he couldn’t work it out. Harry was a bright child, articulate for his age. A bit fixated on things like poop humour but then again, he was three. He loved his father to the point of near hero-worship and when Remus attempted to question him about the whole dick-punching, Harry just shrugged.

“You know it’s not very nice, right?” Remus asked.

“Um. Yeah.”

“And it hurts your dad a bit.”

Harry blinked. “Mm yeah.”

“So you should probably try to channel your urges into something else. What else could you do instead of punching your dad in erm…delicate places?”

They went through several ideas and Harry seemed rather pleased with them all. Remus gave the list to the Potters. “He’ll need reminders. It’s a learnt behaviour, a habit now, so when he attempts to take a swing, grab his fist and ask him what he should do instead. It’s just about retraining his urge to erm…punch you.”

Lily made a tiny, strangled noise and Remus did feel a bit sorry for James at this point because who wanted to be the butt of a joke like this? Not that he was much better. But still.

“Harry, did you have fun today?” Remus asked.

“Yeah!” he cried, and threw himself at his dad who at first winced, but then smiled as he took the boy onto his lap and hugged him.

“Well for your excellent behaviour, I think you should have a lolly. Would you like to pick one?”

Harry shrugged, and refused to make a decision so eventually Lily took a purple one from the jar and then Remus rose, beckoning them into the main lobby. Sirius was there, leant over the counter looking rather delighted and cute—something Remus didn’t want to think about right then.

“Haz! Were you a very good sproglet?”

“Yeah. Lolly, mummy!” Harry reached for it, and Lily pulled the wrapping off and handed it down.

“I’d like to see you again next week,” Remus said. “Sirius you mind booking another appointment?”

“Not at all,” Sirius said with a cheeky grin to Remus before sitting back into his chair.

Remus turned to say something, but just at that moment, Harry spat the lolly out and cried, “Ew!” Then he wound his fist back and with impressive, precise accuracy, levelled a punch right at James’ dick.

It landed with incredible speed and strength Remus hadn’t expected. James doubled over with a huff, his eyes watering, then he swallowed and his arms went out, sweeping Harry up into his arms. “That hurt.”

Harry just looked at his dad with wide eyes.

Remus was trying. God he was trying. His entire body ached both with sympathy pains—because shit that had to hurt—and with the desire to laugh—because holy shit that was funny. Instead he nodded at the paper Lily was holding and she went through what they discussed in the meeting.

Remus glanced over at Sirius who was biting his bottom lip so hard it was turning white.

After a moment, James was calmer, Lily had achieved the desired response from Harry, who was now skipping happily for the doors.

“See you next week,” Remus choked out.

The three left, and Remus sagged against the counter. “Oh my god, I thought I was going to die.”

Sirius’ eyes were alight with mischief and he stood up, reaching out and laying slender fingers over Remus’ wrist. “I’m a monster.”

Remus blinked. “I…what? What do you mean?”

Sirius looked at the door, then back at Remus. “I taught him that.”

Remus froze. “You what?”

“When he was about eighteen months old he did it by accident and it was so funny, I gave him a sweet. I did it every time after that, until he just…kept doing it.”

Remus blinked. “Oh my god, Sirius! And you never told them?”

Sirius shook his head, trying and failing to look repentant. “It’s…it’s so funny!”

“It’s horrible! That poor man,” Remus gasped, and he couldn’t decide if he was impressed at the fact that Sirius had conditioned his godson to punch his best friend in the sodding dick, or if he was horrified. The old prankster and slight bastard side of him was a little turned on.

“I know,” Sirius howled, giving into his laughter. “His face is so…and Harry’s so…”

“You realise this is going to take ages to recondition him!” Remus scolded.

“Yeah.” Sirius sobered a bit. “But you can do it, right?”

Remus scrubbed his face, then sighed. “Yes, I can. And…and at least I know the cause. I have somewhere to begin.” Remus took a step back, then gave Sirius a careful look. “That is incredibly devious.”

“Well he deserves it, you know,” Sirius said, his tone conspiratorial. “He was a right bastard at school.”

Remus couldn’t help his smile. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. I’d love to share some stories about it. Maybe…over drinks? After work?”

Remus damn well knew he should say no. But no one had ever accused him of being the most professional therapist. Especially where his ridiculously good looking receptionist was concerned.

**Six Months Later**

The three Potters stepped into the lobby, James’ hand on Remus’ shoulder. “Mate, I really owe you. I’m kind of sad we’re being discharged.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “You see me every weekend now.”

“Yeah well, these little sessions have become special to me. And you’ve cured my son. And saved any future Potters.”

Lily rolled her eyes, taking Harry’s hand to see Sirius who was already digging through his sweets drawer. 

“Well I’m glad I could help. Although I can never see you again, you realise.”

“Completely unfair. You and Pads just had to fall in love. Bastards, the both of you.”

Remus couldn’t help a fond smile at the man he was planning to propose to in the next few weeks. “Ah well…we can’t all be perfect.”

James laughed and pulled Remus in for a hug. “See you soon, mate.”

Remus nodded, opening his mouth to say something else when James’ eyes widened and he let out a short yelp. Turning round, Remus saw Harry with his hand splayed right over James’ arse. His face was passive, but Remus didn’t miss the brightly coloured item clenched in Harry’s fist.

He gave his lover a stern look, and Sirius glanced away.

“Same techniques,” Remus muttered. “Just don’t lose sight of the goal.”

“What’s he got against me?” James moaned.

Lily sighed. “See you later, Re. Come on, Harry, before you destroy your father.”

As the door closed, Remus marched over and grabbed Sirius by the collar, lifting him up to his feet. “You,” he said, and spoke right against Sirius’ mouth as there was no one in the lobby, “are a horrible horrible man.”

Sirius licked his lips, then kissed Remus soundly. “And you like it.”

Remus groaned, refusing to admit it.

But yeah.

He kind of did.


End file.
